Dear Severus
by the original killerpineapple
Summary: LMSS.Lucius is dying, and there's nothing Severus can do about it.


Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Dear Severus

Severus closed his eyes and felt the cold wind dry the tears on his haggard face. He spread out his arms and lifted his face to the moon, his feet shifting slightly on the narrow ledge beneath him. He stroked his thumb tenderly over the lock of white-blond hair grasped in his shivering hand. He tried to clear his mind but pictures of Lucius, lying in the clean, white hospital bed with strands of silken hair falling out onto the pillow, refused to go away. The tears began to flow freely again. He snapped his eyes open and heard footsteps behind him, a door closing quietly.

"Severus?"

"Leave me alone Remus." He shuffled forward a few more steps, showing Remus that he was serious, he would jump. But first he needed to clear his mind, he wouldn't be able to if he kept thinking about Lucius.

"Severus get down from there." He shook his head stubbornly and closed his eyes, drawing in a slow, shuddering breath. "Please Severus. I know it's bad, but ending your own life won't help."

"It'll stop me from hurting! I don't want to carry on hurting any more." His voice dropped to a barely audible whisper. "I can't."

"It'll get better!" Severus laughed bitterly.

"What the fuck do you know?" Stop trying to tell me what to do! This is the only thing I still control in my own life/ Lucius is dying. He's _dying_! Now tell me, all knowing one, how the hell will it get better? Because I've tried, and this is the only way I can make the pain go away." Remus climbed precariously onto the wall beside Severus, gripping his arm tightly. He glanced down and saw small squares of light from cars passing on the ground.

"I've always hated heights." He laughed emptily. "I know how you feel. Sirius and I had known each other since we were kids. James too. I loved them both, and now I'm the only one left. You're right, it hurts. But I promise it gets better." Severus seemed to be calmer now, but he moved closer to the edge, wary of Remus' hand on his arm.

"What if it doesn't? You're stronger than me Remus."

"Lucius needs you right now. Are you going to leave him to fight alone?" Severus gritted his teeth together and shook his head.

"No." He stepped down from the wall and onto the roof of the hospital. Remus followed him and offered him a handkerchief. Severus shook his head again. "No. No more crying."

Bdbdbdbd

Dear Severus, my love

I'm sorry, I had to leave you. I've been fighting for so long, but I couldn't carry on forever. If it were up to me I'd remain with you always, but who are we to prolong life beyond it's natural span? I will always love you, but I can offer you no more than pain, grief. I'd lost the battle before it had even begun.

Remus told me about the night on the roof, darling. Don't blame him, I forced it out of him. He loves you, you know? I can see it in his eyes every time he looks at you. I can't say I blame him. He'll care for you, and be your eyes if you ever lose sight again. Look after him too. He's never fully healed since Sirius, and he needs someone to help him, nurture hi, love him even. Do anything you want, I won't begrudge you, just be happy, for Christ's sake be happy. God knows you deserve it.

You don't need me anymore, baby doll. Grieve for me if you must, miss me, but forget about me. Carry on with your life, make the most of it, then look for me on the other side. I'll be waiting.

Until we meet again.

Goodbye. X

Bdbdbdbd

The water ebbed slowly back and forth, silently washing over the sand and rocks. The sun was low in the horizon, making band of orange and red appear across the sky, eventually fading to black, where the stars glimmered like diamonds upon black velvet.

Severus tenderly emptied the urn, watching the wind snatch up the remains of Lucius and let then float softly back to the gentle waves. As the last ash fell to the foam on the lapping water, he let out an anguished cry and shattered the empty urn on the hard wood of the pier. He turned around to be swept into Remus' warm arms and sobbed into his shoulder, his tears soaking Remus' shirt. Remus stroked his hair and rocked him back and forth, like a mother to her child, muttering "It's okay" over and over again. Empty words. Severus knew that it wasn't okay, but he also knew that Remus was trying his best.

Lucius' ashes sank to the sea bed, the wind whispered gently through the trees, and Remus and Severus rocked slowly in unison in the light of the setting sun.


End file.
